Recently a person very close to me asked me to share some advice with women considering marriage.  As I thought about how to respond, I put pen to pad and decided to not only share my personal experience with her but with you in hopes that my journey back to wholeness might encourage, inspire another…

Here is my philosophy of guidance from personal experience:  "The ultimate goal of achieving wholeness is restoration of people first, then relationships."

If the couple is not married but contemplating, I'd recommend taking a ton of time getting to know one another authentically.  This includes various environments and situations: with families, with friends, at work, at play, at church, at home and really see who they are as a person and if you two have areas of compatibility.  

Do you enjoy some of the same things?  How do each of you deal with conflict?  Do your goals align?  City mouse or country mouse? Do you both want/not want kids?  How will we raise them? Any trauma, addictions, health issues to be aware of?   What are your temperaments?  Introvert vs. Extrovert?  What about faith?  Are you aligned on that? These will be important to understand BEFORE marriage.

A marriage is not perfect; it’s not a fairytale or a romantic comedy that always ends with a passionate kiss and red roses.  There will be tough times, arguments, disagreements, selfish acts and words exchanged.  That’s because people are not perfect and melding two people into one is impossible.  Couples have to not only learn to get along but decide to get along.   

Marriage is a daily decision and then a daily commitment to showing up and being vulnerable, open, flexible and forgiving – every day.  I liken it to Paul's text in 1 Corinthians 15 which says, "I die daily".  Not literal death, but death to selfishness because when you are married it's no longer just about me but about us.

If you are married and having problems, probably some of those mentioned above I’d like to share from my own personal experience a few things you could do to try and restore wholeness to yourself and your marriage. 

In full transparency, everything I’m recommending below, my spouse and I have personally tried in our marriage and we are still clumsily walking the pathway to wholeness today: 

1.  Be Honest:  tell your spouse how you feel.  Be vulnerable, that's hard to do!!!  If you can't do it one on one, do it in the presence of a mediator like a counselor or pastor.

2.  Get Help:  Commit to counseling with marriage counselor or pastor.  Seek help from those who specialize in restoring marriages.  This is very important especially if marriage does not survive.  This helps reduce guilty feelings that one didn't do all they could to save their marriage.

3.  Get Support:   Connect with other sisters!  Ask for help; learn from those who’ve gone through what you are going through. 

4.  Seek and Use Marriage Resources: there are tons of books, online articles, workshops, seminars, professionals out there to give guidance. 

Four I'd recommend are:

a)       Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman

b)      The Love Dare by brothers Alex and Stephen Kendrick

c)       War Room movie (also by brothers, Alex and Stephen Kendrick) + book Fervent by Priscilla Schirer for women

d)      Courageous movie (also by brothers, Alex and Stephen Kendrick, those guys are anointed) + Courageous Movie Resolution Book & Certificate Bundle for men

5.  Extreme Measures:  No one has the right to judge or criticize married couples on the extremely hard and devastating decision to the stay together or not.  But before a couple makes the decision to divorce, I’d recommend trying an unconventional approach called a Controlled Separation moderated by a professional counselor/pastor for a minimal of three months.  I can share more of that in a later post but there are resources around the topic online.

6.  Discernment:   I believe all women have a spirit of discernment (some call it women's intuition) that speaks to us and tells us what's what.  Listen to it sister and act on it. 

7.  PRAY!!! During all the above, if you have faith in a higher power or even if you don't, PRAY and ask for guidance to save your marriage, your sanity, your health, your heart, your life.   Seek clarity, truth, humility, selflessness and restoration of yourself first and then your relationship. 

“Relationship” is intentional because our capacity to have healthy relationships with spouse and others is vital to our health and wholeness. 

Again, the ultimate goal of achieving wholeness is the restoration of people first, then relationships. 

If you are hurting, depressed, angry, hateful, lonely you CANNOT help your spouse or your marriage.   Hurt people hurt people.

Get the support you need to heal, get well, mature, restore joy, be whole first and then use these tools to help your spouse, your family, your friends, your community, your vineyard of the world entrusted to you.

Now I am not saying to be selfish and not support your spouse until you've got it 100%; I am saying recognize and express the level of support you are actually able to give as you grow.  Additionally, don't give until you have some positive, restorative, healing to give.  Then share positive experiences with your spouse, while still fortifying your heart and mind. 

As you feel better about yourself, you will fill better about your marriage.  Healed people heal people.

If this long but very personal post resonates with you, I invite you to share your story of how you are overcoming in a certain area of your life, no matter how big or small. 

Your “Alabaster Jar Moments" will encourage other women struggling in relationships and give you fuel to keep going. 

Finally, if you are in an abusive relationship whether it is physical, emotional or spiritual, you need to separate immediately (see Controlled Separation mentioned above). 

There need to be clear boundaries between you and your spouse while individually working on self, pride, fear, trauma, wellness and recovery FIRST.  And then try to heal together with a professional counselor only if or when it is safe to do so. 

May God bless you in your relationships and your personal journey toward wholeness.